I started a journey to reinvent my happy a long time ago, but it really didn’t take stride until a couple of years ago. I am a mother of 3 crazy kids and a crazy puppy, I run a graphic design freelance business from home. I live a full, chaotic, crazy life. Somewhere along the line I lost my spark. I love my family, but I find myself struggling to be truly happy. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time and the pandemic has brought those feelings to a head. I have a started a journey to find the happiness through the chaos of life and to find what truly makes me happy.

In 2014, what started as a normal mosquito bite on my chin, turned into a nightmare experience. It quickly became swollen with fluid in it while I became sick – vomiting and more. I went to the emergency room because it just wasn’t right and was quickly getting worse. While in the ER they ran blood tests and kept marking as the infection moved down my neck towards my chest. They gave me a room and watched it grow. At around 1am my kidneys began to shut down and my body was going into shock. The team of doctors gave my husband a 50/50 chance of surviving. They had asked if I had any religious affiliations and to be prepared. They called my parents in to say goodbye. The surgeon at this hospital wasn’t comfortable opening me up because it was moving fast towards my chest and heart so I would need multiple surgeons. They decided to transfer me to another hospital.

I was in the ICU for 5 days and had 4 surgeries, before they were able to tell that it was a Strep A, flesh eating virus and then properly begin an antibiotic treatment. They left me intubated in between surgeries so they could quickly take me back in if need be. I still clearly remember opening my eyes with the tube in my throat and the feeling of being choked and not being able to breathe. I remember the smell vividly and seeing my father sitting next to me, just waiting. There was also a vacuum hooked up to my neck to suck out the infection so it wouldn’t spread more to my chest.

They finally cleared out the infection but left my chin open so that they could clean it out and make sure the infection didn’t come back. I never looked at the open scar, but I was too afraid of what I’d see. My husband had to change the bandages every few hours and they was so incredibly painful taking the gauze out of the wound and repacking it. I had an amazing home nurse who looked at it at first and said, “Girl you look like you got viciously attacked.” This was the first time anyone was real with me about how it looked, and I love her for that. I said back to her “you should see the other guy” and we laughed. About a month later, I had to have another surgery to stitch up the chin. They need to skin graft to cover the huge hole I now had.

This was a life altering experience. It not only changed my smile and my face, but at first it took all of me to just try to get the strength to walk. But I knew that it wasn’t my time. The Universe had other plans for me. But then once I started feeling better, the chaotic everyday life began again.

At the time, I had 2 kids, a 4 and 2 year old to take care of and a business to run. But I have always had the underlying feeling that I was missing something. I was missing being truly happy and feeling alone. I have moment of happiness, my kids, husband, family, and friends bring me so much happiness. But in the quiet moments I felt a longing for something.

Fast forward to the 2020, the pandemic is in full swing. Kids are home from school trying to figure out how to have school remotely while also still trying to work from home. It was chaos for everyone. It was depressing and scary and no one had any idea what was going to happen. I became more anxious and depressed as some of my clients had to close up shop. I yearned for that happiness but was scared I’d never find it.

Then I met and amazing group of women which was called the Radical Self Care Circle. I decided to join this online group because I knew I needed something, and I needed help in figuring that something out. I have battled with depression and anxiety for most of my life and knew in order to move past it I need to figure out where it stemmed from. During my time in this group, we of course read Untamed by Glennon Doyle, which help me rediscover my love for writing and being creative. And it showed me that no matter what is happening “We can do hard things.” Now writing is a major part of my life. I write all the time. It helps to deal with nagging thoughts and problems I am facing. It helps me to figure out my feelings and to just to get the thoughts out on paper even if I don’t share them. I’ve also found a love for writing positive messages. I write them to help others, as well as myself, who may be struggling and needs to hear that they are not alone.

For me to find my happiness, I have learned that I need to find passion and purpose in my life and that being creative fulfills and motivates me. While still on this journey I’ve decided to create this space where people of all ages can come and read positive posts and stories, as well as stories about mental health issues. I really just want people to know that they are not alone.

I’ve was given a second chance at life and now I want to reinvent my happy and spread positive vibes throughout a tough world, maybe making the day a little brighter for others.